For Friends Of The Bereaved

In the days immediately following a death, people often show up in meaningful ways. There are practical tasks to help with—making funeral arrangements, notifying friends and family, and assisting with everyday responsibilities. This is friendship in action: stepping in so those who are grieving have the time and space to mourn.

After the funeral, however, that support can fade quickly. As others return to their routines, the calls and visits may slow or stop altogether. For the bereaved, this shift can be painful, leaving days—and especially nights—feeling long, quiet, and lonely.

How to Really Help Someone in Mourning

At its heart, helping someone who is grieving means not walking away. While life naturally resumes after the funeral, a true ally doesn’t disappear for long. Even simple check-ins—weeks or months later—can make a meaningful difference. Being present for someone in mourning can feel uncomfortable or hard, but showing up matters more than saying the perfect thing.

Rachael Naomi Remen, M.D., beautifully describes the heart of grief work:
“Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again.” This kind of healing happens through a task-oriented approach to bereavement—one that honors loss while gently supporting the work of rebuilding, step by step.

The Four Tasks of Mourning

James Worden identified four essential tasks that help a person adapt to the death of someone significant:

Accepting the reality of the loss
Processing the pain of grief
Adjusting to a world without the person who has died
Finding an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward into a new life

Together, these tasks define the work of grieving. When you choose to stand alongside someone in mourning, your role is to support them as they move through these tasks—at their own pace and in their own way. Grief unfolds on the bereaved person’s timeline, not anyone else’s.

You should never place limits on how long someone’s grief lasts. The only boundaries that may need to be addressed involve behaviors that could cause harm. Is your friend relying on alcohol or drugs to cope? Have their eating habits become destructive? Are they withdrawing completely from the world around them? These are important warning signs. If it seems that grief has become overwhelming or is leading them toward self-destructive patterns, it may be time to gently suggest support from a certified grief counselor or therapist.

There are many other meaningful ways you can help someone adapt to loss—guided by James Worden’s four tasks of mourning:

Support acceptance of the loss. Attending the funeral is only the beginning. Offering to visit the grave or another place of interment—whether to leave flowers, reflect quietly, or talk—can help continue this process. Never pressure them; suggest gently and support them if they choose to go.
Listen with empathy. Processing grief requires being heard. Listen not just with your ears, but with your full attention and compassion. Your presence alone can be profoundly healing.
Help with daily adjustment. Learning to function in a world without their loved one can feel overwhelming. Practical help—paying bills, grocery shopping, or offering support while they relearn everyday tasks—can make a real difference.
Offer space for identity shifts. Grief often reshapes beliefs, values, and one’s sense of self. Nonjudgmental, empathetic listening gives them a safe place to explore these changes.
Encourage a lasting, healthy connection. Help them find a place in their emotional life for the deceased—one that honors the relationship while leaving room for others and for living fully. One gentle exercise is to ask what they might hope for themselves if their grief were suddenly lifted.

Popular writer Barbara Kingsolver once shared these wise words about friendship:
“The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.”
She’s right. Don’t let fear of saying the wrong thing keep you at a distance. Being present matters far more than finding perfect words.

In Coping with the Loss of a Loved One, the American Cancer Society captures this simply and beautifully:
“Be there. Even if you don’t know what to say, just having someone near can be very comforting.”

Other simple, meaningful ways to offer support include:

Ask how the bereaved person is feeling—and truly listen. Avoid assuming how they’ll feel on any given day.
Be available to listen and offer support, but don’t push if they’re not ready to talk.
Accept whatever emotions they share. Even if you can’t relate, never tell someone how they should or shouldn’t feel.
Offer reassurance without minimizing the loss. Practice empathy without assuming you fully understand their experience.

Author Sarah Dessen captures the essence of true listening in her book Just Listen:
“This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you; allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.”

As an ally to a grieving friend or family member, this kind of patience matters. Being willing to wait—without interrupting, fixing, or redirecting—creates space for grief to be expressed honestly.

At the same time, it’s important to remain attentive to signs of depression. These may include persistent feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, difficulty managing daily activities, intense guilt, significant weight changes, or recurring thoughts of death or suicide. The American Cancer Society advises that “if symptoms like these last more than two months after the loss, the bereaved person is likely to benefit from professional help. If the person tries to hurt him- or herself, or has a plan to do so, they need help right away.” Listening with patience—and knowing when additional support is needed—can make a profound difference in someone’s journey through grief.

For Friends of the Bereaved