When Grief Is Unacknowledged

In Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice, Kenneth Doka offers a clear and powerful definition of disenfranchised grief—an experience in which “survivors are not accorded a right to grieve.” It raises difficult questions: Can others truly deny us permission to mourn? Can they place limits on our grief? In some situations, the answer is yes—and it happens more often than we might expect.

In Disenfranchised Grief Revisited: Discounting Hope and Love, Thomas Attig expands on this idea, explaining that the right to grieve includes the freedom to mourn when one chooses, for as long as needed, and in one’s own way. In turn, those around the bereaved have an obligation to respect that right and avoid interfering with the grieving process.

Disenfranchisement, he explains, goes beyond simple indifference. It can be actively harmful—marked by denial, interference, or even punishment. Disenfranchising messages may dismiss, discourage, invalidate, or delegitimize grief altogether. In doing so, those around the bereaved withhold permission to mourn, placing constraints on an already painful and deeply personal experience.

When grief is unacknowledged, the pain does not disappear—it simply becomes harder to carry.

When Can Disenfranchised Grief Occur?

Jonathan Vatner offers several examples of situations in which disenfranchised grief may arise:

An ex-husband passes away, and friends or family minimize the loss, questioning why it should matter.
An executive is involved in a private relationship with a married co-worker. When he dies unexpectedly, her grief remains largely unacknowledged due to the hidden nature of the relationship.
A spouse, sibling, or child is missing in military action, leaving loved ones without closure or clear permission to grieve.
A death occurs under socially stigmatized circumstances, such as suicide or AIDS.
A deeply loved dog, cat, or other pet dies, but the loss is dismissed as insignificant by others.

In each of these situations, grief is real and deeply felt—even when it is not openly recognized or supported by those around the bereaved.

What Does Disenfranchised Grief Sound Like?

When you are grieving a loss that feels unrecognized or minimized, you may hear messages like these from others:

“When things like this happen, all you can do is give it time and wait it out.”
“Eventually, you’ll get over this.”
“The best thing to do is put it behind you and get back to normal as quickly as possible. Try to live as if nothing has changed.”
“There’s no point in looking for meaning in something like this. Suffering is senseless—better to forget it.”
“Face reality. She’s gone. You’ll have to replace her with something else.”

At times, grief can also be disenfranchised from within. Inner thoughts may sound like:

“It feels disloyal to laugh or try to be happy. I owe it to him to stay sad.”
“What could I possibly have to look forward to now?”
“I feel embarrassed admitting that, in some ways, I’ve grown since my child died.”
“How can I ever allow myself to love again if it only ends like this?”

These messages—whether spoken by others or quietly repeated to ourselves—can make grief heavier and harder to carry. Recognizing them is often the first step toward giving your loss the space and care it deserves.

Suffer in Silence No More

Grieving in isolation can place an unbearable strain on the heart. According to Lani Leary, even when someone manages the ups and downs of bereavement on their own, the work of grief is often hindered. She reminds us that it is not time alone that heals, but validation. As she explains, “All grief needs to be blessed. In order to be blessed, it must be heard. Someone must be present—someone willing to hold it by listening without judgment or comparison.”

In the article Mourning Becomes Neglected: 4 Healthy Ways to Grieve, Jonathan Vatner outlines four meaningful ways to reclaim your right to grieve and receive the support you deserve:

Acknowledge that nothing is wrong with you. Whatever you are feeling is valid and deserves to be honored.
Seek out understanding people. Online spaces can be especially helpful—there are support groups for nearly every type of loss.
Speak honestly about your pain. If a well-meaning comment feels hurtful, gently explain why the loss still matters deeply to you.
Create a personal ritual or ceremony. Visit the grave, return to a meaningful place, or hold a private remembrance where you can express your grief without time limits or expectations.

You deserve to have your grief seen, heard, and respected. Healing often begins when suffering no longer has to be carried alone.

Speak Up and Speak Out

In the book Invisible Monsters, author Chuck Palahniuk writes, “Most times, it’s just a lot easier not to let the world know what’s wrong.” When it comes to grief, however, following that advice can leave you feeling even more isolated. If you sense that those around you are not fully supporting your bereavement, it’s important to speak up. Sharing how you feel—and what you’re thinking—helps others better understand your experience. In doing so, you remind them of an essential truth about grief: every loss deserves recognition, and everyone who mourns has the right to grieve openly and without judgment.

When Grief is Unacknowledged