Funeral Etiquette
Funeral Etiquette
Often referred to as social graces, etiquette helps guide us through challenging situations. While most people feel comfortable navigating everyday social settings, funerals can feel unfamiliar—especially if you haven’t attended many. Understanding a few basic expectations can help ease some of the uncertainty in what is often an emotionally difficult setting.
The Basics of Funeral Etiquette
Emily Post once said, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.” Much of what we understand about etiquette today can be traced back to her work, beginning with the publication of her first etiquette book in 1922. When you keep her words in mind, the principles of funeral etiquette become much easier to understand.
What to Wear
Traditionally, funeral attire has called for a certain level of formality. Today, however, end-of-life services vary widely—from traditional funerals to more relaxed celebrations of life—making it harder to know exactly what’s expected.
Advisors at the Emily Post Institute note that funeral attire isn’t limited to black or dark gray. What matters most is recognizing the seriousness of the occasion and dressing accordingly, especially if you are participating in the service. At a minimum, clothing should be clean, neat, and pressed, much as it would be for any important event.
What to Say
No one expects more than a few words, and bereaved family members may not be able to give you their full attention. Keeping your message brief and sincere is often best.
A simple phrase like, “I’m so very sorry for your loss,” is always appropriate. If the moment allows, you may choose to add a short personal memory of the person who died. Pay attention to cues, however, and be mindful if the family needs to move on to receive condolences from others.

When speaking with other guests, keep your voice low and your conversation respectful. This is not the time for business talk or stories about recent vacations. Instead, focus on listening and, when appropriate, sharing memories of time spent with the deceased.
What to Do
If you’re unsure how to respond when guided by a pastor or celebrant, simply follow along as you feel comfortable. If you choose not to participate, do so quietly and without drawing attention to yourself, remaining respectful of those around you.
Before the service begins, leave your cell phone in the car whenever possible. If you bring it inside, be sure it is turned off or set to vibrate to avoid any distractions.
How to Handle the Visitation
A visitation, sometimes called a viewing, takes place before the funeral and offers guests an opportunity to see the deceased in the casket. While it is customary to approach the casket as a sign of respect, you are not required to do so. If this feels uncomfortable, that is completely okay. No one expects you to put yourself in an uneasy position. Instead, you may focus your attention on offering comfort and support to the bereaved family.
After the Funeral
If the deceased is to be buried following the service, the officiant will announce the location of the interment. When the cemetery is not on the funeral home grounds, a procession of vehicles will be formed to escort the hearse. Unless the family has chosen a private burial, guests are welcome to join the procession. That said, there is no obligation to do so, and it is perfectly acceptable to depart after the service concludes.
The Funeral Reception
Many families choose to hold a gathering after the funeral where food and refreshments are served. This time often includes shared memories, quiet laughter, and even tears. While the atmosphere may feel more relaxed, it’s still important to remain mindful and respectful in both conversation and behavior.
Follow Up with Kindness
If you haven’t already done so, this is a meaningful time to send the family a sympathy card or note. About a week after the funeral, consider calling to check in and see if there’s anything they might need.
As Emily Post once wrote, “Good manners reflect something from inside—an innate sense of consideration for others and respect for self.” Those words serve as a fitting reminder that, no matter the occasion—whether a wedding, baptism, dinner party, or quiet gathering with friends—thoughtfulness and kindness are always appropriate and deeply appreciated.
Source:
The Emily Post Institute, http://www.emilypost.com
