When Grief Doesn't Ease

When Grief Doesn’t Ease

At times, it can feel as though your grief will never lift. You may find yourself wishing—desperately—for the pain to ease, for the long, lonely hours between nightfall and dawn to pass without heartache. If you’ve felt this way, you are not alone. Many who grieve have longed for even a small measure of relief.

In the novel My Sister’s Keeper, author Jodi Picoult writes, “There should be a statute of limitations on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name.”

But no such rule book exists. Grief counselors and therapists remind us that the time it takes to mourn someone deeply loved varies from person to person. It is shaped by many factors—your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances of the death, and your own life experience. With so many variables, there is no way to predict how long it will take to adjust to your loss. And that uncertainty, too, is a normal part of grief.

The Difference Between Normal and Complicated Grief

Research has shown that grief can take many forms, ranging from what is often called normal to what may be considered complicated. Normal (or uncomplicated) grief does not follow a set timeline and includes a wide range of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that commonly follow a loss. These may include physical distress, guilt, anger, persistent thoughts about the person who died, and difficulty functioning as you once did. While these experiences can feel overwhelming and unending, they are a natural response to loss.

As Katherine Walsh explains, “Over the course of time, with average social support…most individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of these feelings, behaviors, and sensations.”

So how can you tell when grief may have moved beyond what is considered typical? Ms. Walsh notes that “while there is no definitive time period by which this happens, if an individual or family members continue to experience intense distress for a prolonged period—or if it resurfaces unexpectedly years after a loss—they may benefit from treatment for complicated grief.” Recognizing when additional support may be helpful is not a sign of weakness, but an important step toward healing.

A Useful Model for Assessment: Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning

There are certain tasks that, when worked through during bereavement, can help a person move through loss and continue forward with greater strength and resilience. James Worden identified four such tasks of mourning:

Accepting the reality of the loss
Processing the pain of grief
Adjusting to a world without the person who has died
Finding an enduring connection with the deceased while moving forward into a new life

Rather than focusing solely on physical discomfort, emotional reactions, or common grief-related behaviors, this model helps clarify where someone may feel stuck in the process of adapting to loss. Worden also emphasizes caution when using these tasks as a measure. He notes that “any one of these clues in and of itself may not be sufficient” to diagnose complicated grief. However, he adds that “any of these…should be taken seriously, and the diagnosis of complicated grief should be considered when they appear.”

This framework can be a helpful guide—offering insight without judgment and encouraging thoughtful, compassionate assessment.

12 Clues… 12 Insights

Grief educators and theorists generally agree that complicated grief should not be formally assessed until at least the first anniversary of a death. However, if any of the following experiences persist for longer than six months, it may be helpful to consider grief counseling or therapy:

You find it impossible to speak about the person who died without feeling intense, fresh grief long after the loss.
A relatively small or ordinary event triggers a powerful grief response.
Conversations frequently circle back to loss, making it a constant theme in how you view the world.
You struggle with your loved one’s belongings—either keeping everything exactly as it was or discarding everything immediately. (Cultural and religious traditions should always be taken into account.)
You experience physical symptoms similar to those your loved one had before their death. These may return on anniversaries, holidays, or recur seasonally. Increased illness or chronic physical complaints can also be indicators.
You have made major lifestyle changes or withdrawn from friends, family, or activities connected to your loved one.
A long history of depression marked by guilt or low self-worth may suggest unresolved grief. Conversely, an unusually elevated or forced sense of happiness can also be a sign.
You feel compelled to imitate the deceased in personality, habits, or behavior.
You experience self-destructive thoughts or behaviors, including substance misuse, self-harm, disordered eating, or suicidal thoughts.
You notice unexplained sadness that appears predictably around holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays.
You develop a heightened fear of dying, particularly if it relates to the illness or cause of death of your loved one.
You avoid visiting your loved one’s grave or remain unwilling to talk about the circumstances of their death.

Complicated grief can take many forms—it may be delayed, masked, exaggerated, or long-lasting. Self-diagnosis is rarely helpful. If, a year after the death, you notice that your grief feels more intense or increasingly difficult to manage, seeking guidance from your family physician or a referral to a professional grief counselor or therapist may be an important step toward healing.